From ANC

If you're honest, you don't need to remember anything.

What's Ian like?

My friend was curious about Ian's reaction to my two previous postings.

He kissed me on the forehead and hugged me when he read the earlier post. Twelve hours later, after he read the second one, he sent me a text: "I wove you hani. Hmph". It's funny. His reaction to both blog entries is a reflection of how he is, one who: is almost never jealous and puts up with my "crazies".

He never feels threatened even when I openly announce that I find someone else cute. He laughs whenever I tell him na ipagpapalit ko siya kina Dennis Trillo, Patrick Garcia, Prince William, Robbie Williams, Justin Timberlake at kung sino sino pa. Kahit pa sabihin kong ipagpapalit ko siya kay Adrian. Kahit kanino basta wag lang kay Hugh Jackman. Basta si Hugh Jackman, ibang usapan na iyon (Hindi ko maintindihan kung bakit for some reason kay Hugh Jackman lang siya naiinsecure).

Marami akong kagagahan, through it all, parati pa rin akong may I love you galing sa kanya.

There was a time I sent him to the bank on his work break dahil nakalimutan ko ideposit ang money ng sister ko. I called him up and told him that I forgot to do the chore and that I could not do it kasi kasaluluyan akong nagpapaperm ng lashes. Punta siya sa bangko walang kareklareklamo.

I remember nung supertyphoon last year. Walang kuryente kaya't sobrang init sa bahay. Ayaw ko ng mainit, hindi ako nakakatulog. Umiiyak ako kapag mainit. Pinaypayan niya ako hanggang sa makatulog ako.

Same time last year, because walang electricity, walang ATM. Since he had to work, he left me sa Podium. Sabi niya "hani try to use the card as much as you can para di ka maubusan ng cash, walang ATM". Sale ang Podium that day. I followed his instructions and used his card as best as I could. Several shopping bags and a huge dent on his credit card account later, sinundo ko siya sa work. Sabi mo use it as much as I can, ang bungad ko. Tinawanan niya lang ako at hinalikan.

Ganyan siya. I wove you na may "hmph" sa dulo.

To be honest with you

When you are certain to be incapable of reciprocating the feelings of another, is it best to keep it to yourself and hope that his feelings for you eventually go away? Is it okay to allow someone to fall in love with you knowing you coudn't love him back?

Leading someone on is the worst act one can do if blessed with the awkward situation of having someone fall in love with you. It is not cruelty to tell someone that you do not love them and would never be able to. It is better to let people know where they stand. It avoids making them feel like they've been had. It keeps you from looking like a jerk when they do decide to stand by you despite all knowledge that they are to enter a one-way street.

Where I am coming from

I have very minimum standards where men are concerned. I like them smart, studious, quiet and neat. My first and last unrequited love was all that. He was my high school seatmate and my very first heartache.

It was February 14 and he gave me a bouquet of red roses, or at least I thought he did. In my excitement to receive the roses, I failed to understand the context of his act. It was only when he was asking for it back did I find out that the roses were for his former classmate in elementary whom he was still pining for. I was to look after the flowers until he can give it to her, after the bell.

That same day, we were required to make a Valentines card in our Filipino class and give it to whoever we would like to give it to. This was the card I was to receive from him while someone else received his roses. The card read:

Dear Monica,
Ikaw ang pinakamatalik kong kaibigan.
Ian

He knew I liked him a lot, everybody knew. I made my feelings public because I was young, stupid and really really shameless. He was a very private man. He was very very shy. His card was his quiet way of telling me that he did not share the same feelings for me. I should have stopped at that point, but I didn't. And so began many other Valentines day sob stories involving the same man.

On my junior prom, one of his friends tricked me into giving him my first dance. He asked me if I could help him look for our common friend, Diana, so he could have his first dance with her. The next thing I know, he was leading me to the dance floor and wouldn't take no for an answer. If you went to your first ever prom, you would understand the value of the first dance. I was pissed at his friend for what he did, I thought he spoiled the experience for me. It would take five years before I was able to realize that this was probably the kindest act a guy ever did to me...he knew Adrian (Ian) was not going to dance with me at all that night. I didn't go to my senior prom.

Adrian went to the same University and after four years, he was still my one and only. I was not a praying woman but I kneeled on one of the pews of the UP chapel and asked God to take care of him on the day he was to undergo hazing for his fraternity. It took another two years and another continent to enable me to accept that loving him was a lost cause.

It took another Ian to make me feel that loving someone does not have to be as painful nor as sad.